Bikini Blues

After a completely futile and depressing trip to Winners to look at bathing suits, I've decided to write a post that will help women everywhere find that most elusive of things - a flattering bikini. I'd like to start by listing some simple rules that I like to keep in mind while trying on two-piece suits:

1. At no point should the crack of your ass be visible. Low rise bikini bottoms are obviously for women who have abnormal butts. If you're planning on sitting down while you're on the beach, you should consider a high rise bikini bottom. If you're planning on doing any kind of gymnastics on the beach, you should consider a one piece. If your butt crack shows while you're standing up, for God's sake, get another suit!

2. The bottom half of your boobs should not fall out of the bottom of the bikini top. If you are no longer wearing a training bra or have not recently had breast augmentation surgery, you probably don't want to wear a string bikini top - it's like trying to balance a grapefruit on dental floss.

3. The top half of your boobs should not squeeze out of the top of the bikini top. If you notice this, you should grab a larger size. (Ditto for any part of your butt that squeezes out of your bikini bottoms...)

4. Repeat after me: "Thongs are NOT an option!"

I think most women can appreciate the pain I went through. The first suit fit fine on the bottom, but the top was held together with dental floss and my boobs were falling out. The second suit gave me a serious case of plumber's butt, so I didn't even bother with the top half. The third suit was actually supposed to be in the teens' section but I only saw the "medium" tag on the hanger and didn't notice. (I may need therapy to deal with this one...) And the last one would have been perfect if I was in the habit of wearing diapers under my suit. It was nice to find one that was too big for a change, though.

So, my most important piece of advice for women looking for a flattering bikini: give yourself at least three months to find one. Spend an afternoon trying some on and then give yourself a week to recover. That week off will give you time to regain your self confidence and do some last minute stomach crunches. Other than that, make sure you have your closest friends on speed dial so you can get moral support if you accidentally pick up a bathing suit from the teens' section!

Michelle